Financial Psychology Center

facebook
Linkedin
twitter
instragram

Sarah Li Cain for Fabric

By

How to Make Mundane Moments With Your Kids Feel Actually Special

(Fabric) – After my husband bought an additional TV for our bedroom, he, our son and I were on three devices at the same time. The only real talking we did was to tell each other to turn down the volume.

Before coronavirus forced us to spend every minute together, I’d find myself complaining about picking up my son from preschool, biking the few miles in the intense Florida heat.

The fact that my husband and I both work from home, plus my son’s getting used to his at-home routine means we have plenty of “opportunities” to spend time together. Of course, relishing these moments can feel hard, especially with work deadlines and your children acting up because their routine is disrupted.

That’s why I’ve asked relationship, family and money experts to help you find ways to savor even the mundane time that you spend with your family—whether or not you’re in the middle of a pandemic.

Here are some seemingly ordinary activities you can do with your family that’ll help you grow closer together (instead of tearing each other apart).

1. Create a New Routine Together

It can be helpful to create a new routine, especially if your old ones have been disrupted. Instead of dictating the routine to your kids, why not involve your children in the planning?

Jonathan Dixon, a licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests families start slow. Schedule a time when everyone is free and won’t be interrupted. Take the time to listen to what activities each family member enjoys and how they can be implemented into the week ahead.

“Try a routine similar to you and your children’s typical daily schedule,” he says. “This can help you get into your child’s world a bit; ask them to show you what their day would’ve looked like at school. Ask what they love to do for recess and try incorporating those activities.”

It could also be helpful to discuss a morning routine where you’re spending time together before going off to your separate activities. For example, Fabric’s editorial director Allison Kade has found it hard to be quarantined with her husband and toddler while trying to work a full-time job, but she’s been trying to see the upside: “The three of us now have breakfast together pretty much every day, which we didn’t do before.”

See if you can build positivity into these new daily routines. Kade says, “To try to focus on—and bond over—something positive, we’ve been taking turns saying something we’re grateful for over breakfast.” More often than not, her 2-year-old announces that she’s grateful for the bib she’s wearing. “One time she said she was grateful for her Papa, though!”

While you’re getting used to a new routine, Dixon suggests checking in once a week and adjusting if necessary. Dr. Alex Melkumian, a relationship therapist and founder of the Financial Psychology Center, agrees. “Have your family think of this as a team effort so it’ll encourage buy-in from them.”

2. Make Your Walks Meaningful

Especially in a “socially distanced” world where there isn’t much to do other than going for a walk, this sounds about as mundane as it gets, right?

For Leisa Peterson, author of soon-to-be published book The Mindful Millionaire, this seemingly simple activity helps her to engage in really good conversations and learn new things about her family.

“I have a teenager, which means conversation, when it happens, is priceless. It allows us to ask each other questions about how what’s happening in the world could affect our lives and our future,” she says. “My son is incredibly insightful and I always learn new things when he is talking.”

Walking or hiking in nature also helps her family get some much-needed exercise. “I think that spending time with my family is my greatest joy in life—there is nothing like being able to connect deeply with my family through communication and being in nature together,” Peterson says.

For younger kids, too, getting outside can make a big behavioral difference. “My toddler might be throwing a tantrum at home, but once we get her outside, she tends to absorb what’s around her and become a different person,” says Kade.

3. Rent a Movie (Then Talk About It)

After discovering that my family watches three different shows on three different screens, I made it a point to watch a movie together. We each take turns picking one we like and we all talk about it.

Couples counselor Adam H. Kol, J.D. says that spending  a few dollars to rent a movie (which you can do through plenty of online services like Amazon) can actually be a great use of funds because it can facilitate meaningful discussion.

He suggests movies that help you relive your childhood memories, which will encourage you to share some of these stories with your children. Or, really, any movie where you kids will be able to recall details and be able to articulate their opinion afterwards.

“A mundane activity such as this means you’re carving out intentional time where you minimize the use of cell phones or other distractions,” he says. “It means setting aside jobs or other commitments to simply be together.”

4. Transform Chores Into Activities

OK, let’s be real: When life is busy, it’s not always possible to carve out special time. But attempting to relish the moment with your kids doesn’t have to mean special field trips, especially if you can make your chores feel more meaningful.

It can feel anxiety inducing to have your kids, especially little ones, do chores. How long does it really take to put building blocks away?

But Joel Larsgaard, host of the How To Money podcast and father of two young kids himself, takes chores as an opportunity. That means embracing the craziness, and accepting that the house will get messy and it’ll take longer to complete certain tasks.

“It’s a blast to have our kids cook with us, but only if we go into it knowing that we’ll have a far bigger mess on our hands when all is said and done,” he says. “The goal isn’t efficiency. It’s to enjoy time together, and to help them learn some important skills.”

Laarsgard also suggests resisting the temptation to use your phone during these times. Especially if you find yourself stuck in the house together, try to forget about the additional time it’ll take to cook or put away laundry or do the dishes—and attempt to make these things feel less like chores in the first place.

5. Introduce Kids To Your Favorite Hobbies

Constantly trying to come up with activities to keep our kids engaged is all well and good, but it can be exhausting. Especially if you’ve internalized the pressure to make every activity educational, and if you have a life of your own and things you need to get done.

Emily Guy Birken, author of End Financial Stress Now, suggests finding ways to incorporate your hobbies into the activities you do with your kids, so you can get something out of the experience, too.

“My husband is an automotive engineer, and he will have the kids help him with any car repairs he is doing,” she says. “He’s also got an old lawnmower engine that he kept specifically so he and the kids could take it apart.”

Birken, meanwhile, asks her kids to help her with her current cross stitch project. She has also passed on her love of reading by sharing her favorite comic books from when she was a child. “Sharing the things you love is a wonderful way to enjoy time together,” she says, and it enables you to take some time and energy for yourself, too.

6. Sometimes Money Can Buy Quality Time

Think about whether any given purchase, whether it’s a board game or paying extra for a convenience that saves you time, is worthwhile if it means more quality time with those you love.

Dr. Melkumian suggests that if your kids are old enough to talk about budgeting, this could be a great opportunity to teach them about financial concepts like weighing the costs and benefits of a purchase.

The key, really, is that you don’t need to do anything grandiose to show someone you care, or to make the most of your family life. It’s what you do with your time that will make it special, even (or especially) those seemingly mundane minutes.

By

How to Prevent Parent Guilt From Creating Spoiled Kids

(Havenlife) – Book lovers, don’t hate me … there is such a thing as having too many books.

By the time my son was 2 years old, he had amassed a collection of hundreds of them, many in plastic tubs or taped cardboard boxes.

Yard sales. Library clearance events. Flash sales at the local book store. There I was, cash in hand, looking for books I thought my son would love.

As embarrassing as it is to admit, my interest in purchasing books wasn’t really about my son. It was about mom guilt. You see, my son was born in China, and it wasn’t until a little over a year later when my husband and I moved back to the U.S. my fear about him being “behind” on his English language skills manifested into an almost obsession with alleviating my guilt by getting books so he could catch up.

Luckily, I’ve since curbed that obsession, but it doesn’t mean my mom guilt has gone away. And every time I have this burning desire to spend money or swoop in and help him (yes, he’s 4 years old, but there are many things he can do himself), I remind myself that my goal is to raise my son into an independent and confident adult.

Apparently, our desire to give our children the best in the world can have some dire financial consequences. When they become young adults, our children might not have the coping skills to strike out on their own. Their lack of financial savvy (or lack of independence) can then put our financial lives in jeopardy.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting the best for our children. However, for us to truly help them, we need to take a careful look at the consequences of our financial and parental behaviors.

 

Read more about:

Having the best intentions

Let’s be clear. None of us is a bad parent. Even though my book shopping spree started out with the best of intentions, I knew that if I didn’t curb that behavior, my son could have used it for his own gain down the line.

Lindsay Bryan- Podvin, a social worker turned financial therapist based in Michigan, suggests that parents can start out wanting to provide generosity and stability to a child, but that can snowball into an unhealthy behavior loop.

“Parents have an instinct to protect their children from danger and failure,” Bryan-Podvin says. “The intention is genuine, by swooping in and paying for their child’s first month’s rent, for example, can mean the child learns to depend on you.”

My son is 4, so he’s not ready to leave the nest quite yet. However, I know that if I give in to my guilt and use money to show that I care, he’ll learn — even at a young age — how to get what he wants. Worse, he’ll never even leave the nest.

Dr. Alex Melkumian, a financial psychotherapist practicing in Los Angeles, recalls a client, who at 26 years old, doesn’t seem to have the coping skills to be a fully independent adult.

This client’s parents got divorced when he was young. The mom felt guilty for not giving him a stable father figure, so she tried to solve his challenges when she’d noticed he’d get anxious. It’s gotten to the point that she’s still financially supporting him now that he is an adult by letting him move in when he lost his job and allowing him to stay for months.

Yikes.

Melkumian adds that children are smart and can pick up on your emotional cues. When having a practical conversation about money — whether it’s about providing for their living expenses or buying the latest toy — your child can sense more than just the surface level conversation.

“Shame and guilt can come up in conversation, and your child is keen to tap into that,” he says. “It’s a survival tactic, so of course, the child will want to say whatever it is to get what they want.”

Working through guilt

Parental guilt and desire to be there for your children won’t go away. Yet, you’re concerned about raising a child that may be too dependent on you, emotionally or financially. What’s a parent to do?

The solution is simple but not easy: Work through your guilt and have a plan in place.

“When you start putting boundaries in place, you really need to think hard and understand whether what you’re doing is coming from a place of unconditional love or enabling,” Melkumian says. “It can be hard to distinguish both in the moment, so that’s why it’s important to have responses ready that you’ll anticipate from your child.”

For example, Melkumian suggests coming up with honest responses as to why you’re saying no. If you decide to stop purchasing items for your child, he or she knows that an answer such as, “I can’t afford it,” isn’t going to cut it. Or if your grown child is at home and you want him to thrive on his own, work on gradually taking away certain privileges so the child can practice being independent.

Showing you care without money

Money is merely a tool, and, in this case, it’s being used to show affection toward a child. However, there are plenty of ways to show that you care without money. That way, you as a parent can bring intimacy and love to deepen the relationship.

Simple actions such as scheduling a walk in the park with your kids can do wonders. Or even something as small as a secret handshake each time you say hello or goodbye will show your children you’re thinking of them.

As for me, I still use books to spend time with my child. The difference is that I’m not buying them each time I leave the house, nor does my son expect a new book each time he sees me. Instead, we head to the library each Saturday, where he picks out a book and shows me the letters he knows.

I’m very tempted to read the book for him or buy one if he finds one he really likes, but I keep my raging mom guilt in check. After all, it’s the routine of going to the library and spending time together we both cherish. I don’t want the act of buying an item to get in the way of it.

Sarah Li Cain is a freelance personal finance, credit and real estate writer who works with Fintech startups and Fortune 500 financial services companies to educate consumers through her writing. Her clients include LendingTree, Transferwise, Discover and Quicken Loans. She’s also the host of Beyond The Dollar, where she and her guests have deep and honest conversations on how money affects our well-being. Opinions are those of the author or the person interviewed.

By

FIRE Movement: The Realities of Partnering Up to Retire Early

(Milk and Honey) – When Bethany McCamish’s fiancé wanted to put a complete halt on going out on dates for the sole interest of saving money, she was not on board. In fact, her partner’s new agenda to ruthlessly save kind of stung.

“I’m all about having fun, connecting with people, and making memories,” says McCamish, a freelance designer and writer in her mid-20s. “When we go out, it supports our relationship.”

The reason for this savings shake-up? Her partner wanted to reach financial independence by age 40.

For the unaffiliated, FI/RE stands for “Financially Independent, Retire Early” and is when one reaches a point where they have enough saved never to work for money again.

In recent years, this movement has reached a fever pitch…and seems to only be growing. Early FI/RE heroes include Peter Adeney, endearingly known as Mr. Money Mustache. Adeney and his then-wife retired in 2005 at the age of 30 after working, saving for eight years, and building their net worth to $800,000.

To reach financial independence, you’ll need to hit “your number,” which is the amount you need in assets — think: savings, investments, retirement accounts, passive income from rental property, or a side business — to have the autonomy to stop working for the man.

The basic formula to reach financial independence is as follows: Many get a high-paying job, usually in tech. Live barebones — we’re talking about the basics — so you can live on as little of your take-home income as possible, and squirrel the rest in investments. Find ways to make extra money. Then retire as soon as possible.

In a relationship, however, the FI/RE bug might bite one partner…but not the other.

Hard Money Talks

When McCamish’s fiancé talked to her about the concept of FI/RE, she was not so keen on the idea.

“I thought it was so crazy,” says McCamish, whose partner, an electrical engineer, proclaimed he wanted to cut their Netflix, Hulu, and cable bills to save as much money possible. “I mean it sounds that way if you don’t know the math behind it,” says McCamish.

FI/RE fans cut their Netflix, Hulu, and cable bills to save as much money possible.
Design by Nary Han

It can be hard for couples to get on the same page. It took McCamish and her partner a long time to talk about money. And to finally see things eye-to-eye, they had plenty of tough money conversations and fights.

“When it comes to money, partners within a couple often operate on subconscious programming that is based on emotional temperament, financial narratives and beliefs, and cultural dynamics that they’ve brought in to the relationship,” explains Alex Melkumian, a financial therapist based in Los Angeles and founder of the Financial Psychology Center. “So the idea of financial independence or early retirement can have very different meanings to each partner.”

McCamish’s partner, for instance, had a very plush background — his parents bought him everything he wanted, including a motorcycle when he was 14. She, on the other hand, grew up dirt poor in a trailer home.

“When you grow up poor, it can make you a spender,” says McCamish.

There were times when she simply didn’t feel understood. Because her partner earned a lot more than she did, he saw reaching financial independence as being really easy.

“He’s a tech bro, and I’m the underearner,” says McCamish, who is currently building her freelancing business. “He might not understand where I’m coming from, that I might be a little more tight when he comes to money.”

Power Struggles

Suspicions that one’s partner is trying to control the money might come into play.

For instance, Terri Bennett turned into a FI/RE aspirant when she and her husband both started making significantly more money. “I realized I didn’t really know what to do with the extra money because I had never really had any,” says Bennett, who is in her early 40s and is an adjunct professor based in New York City.

“So, if a colleague asked me to go to happy hour and I declined, I put $20 right away into my savings,” says Bennett. “Or, if I suggested having a few beers at my apartment instead of the bar, I would text myself the $14 difference of drinking at home.” 
Design by Nary Han

When she brought up the concept of tracking every penny to her husband, Gabriel, who is in his late 30s, he found it to be more of a threat to his freedom than anything. He felt as if Bennett was trying to control his spending habits.

“I’m sure it sounded rather punitive to my partner,” says Bennett. “He was thinking, ‘Hey, I just worked my ass off to get this great job, and you want me to live like I’m broke? And on top of that, you also want to know how I spend every dollar coming in?’”

Bennett wasn’t trying to control the finances in the relationship; she wanted that money to achieve other goals, such as early retirement. For instance, she stopped spending a lot of money drinking out.

“So, if a colleague asked me to go to happy hour and I declined, I put $20 right away into my savings,” says Bennett. “Or, if I suggested having a few beers at my apartment instead of the bar, I would text myself the $14 difference of drinking at home.”

When Bennett’s husband Gabriel could see that the changes his wife was making was paying off, he could see that she really wasn’t denying herself at all, just that she was being more intentional.

Time Will Only Tell

It could take years until you and your partner see eye-to-eye about your savings goals.

“Being on the same financial page as your partner takes clarity, willingness, and most importantly, compromise,” says Melkumian.

"The idea of financial independence or early retirement can have very different meanings to each partner.” 
Getty; Design by Nary Han

It was a random night during the week when Bennet and her husband didn’t have any food in the fridge and went to a nice-but-overpriced meal.

“It was decent food, but not memorable, necessary, or gratifying,” says Bennett. “I remember saying something like, ‘See — I’m not all about never enjoying ourselves or never splurging or never having nice things, but I think if we were conscious of all the money we spend on mediocre experiences, it would add up to funding things that were much more interesting or consequential.’ And I think of that meal as a turning point because when he was paying the bill he was feeling the same way.”

For McCamish and her partner, they found a happy medium. They go out on dates that are free or low cost, such as hiking, camping, and going to the movies or concerts only if they are free. The couple also go on weekly money dates to talk about their money goals and make sure they’re on track.

“FI/RE was actually the best thing my partner could have stumbled onto,” says McCamish. “Not because of the promise of being able to retire early, but because it really was the driving force that helped us have full money conversations.”

***

Article published on Milk & Honey by Jackie Lam