genesis domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /services/webpages/f/i/financialpsychologycenter.com/public/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6114(Havenlife) – Book lovers, don\u2019t hate me \u2026 there is such a thing as having too many books.<\/p>\n
By the time my son was 2 years old, he had amassed a collection of hundreds of them, many in plastic tubs or taped cardboard boxes.<\/p>\n
Yard sales. Library clearance events. Flash sales at the local book store. There I was, cash in hand, looking for books I thought my son would love.<\/p>\n
As embarrassing as it is to admit, my interest in purchasing books wasn\u2019t really about my son. It was about mom guilt. You see, my son was born in China, and it wasn\u2019t until a little over a year later when my husband and I moved back to the U.S. my fear about him being \u201cbehind\u201d on his English language skills manifested into an almost obsession with alleviating my guilt by getting books so he could catch up.<\/p>\n
Luckily, I\u2019ve since curbed that obsession, but it doesn\u2019t mean my mom guilt has gone away. And every time I have this burning desire to spend money or swoop in and help him (yes, he\u2019s 4 years old, but there are many things he can do himself), I remind myself that my goal is to raise my son into an independent and confident adult.<\/p>\n
Apparently,\u00a0our desire to give our children the best in the world<\/a>\u00a0can have some dire financial consequences. When they become young adults, our children might not have the coping skills to strike out on their own. Their lack of financial savvy (or lack of independence) can then put our financial lives in jeopardy.<\/p>\n There\u2019s nothing wrong with wanting the best for our children. However, for us to truly help them, we need to take a careful look at the consequences of our financial and parental behaviors.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Read more about:<\/strong><\/p>\n Let\u2019s be clear. None of us is a bad parent. Even though my book shopping spree started out with the best of intentions, I knew that if I didn\u2019t curb that behavior, my son could have used it for his own gain down the line.<\/p>\n Lindsay Bryan- Podvin<\/a>, a social worker turned financial therapist based in Michigan, suggests that parents can start out wanting to provide generosity and stability to a child, but that can snowball into an unhealthy behavior loop.<\/p>\n \u201cParents have an instinct to protect their children from danger and failure,\u201d Bryan-Podvin says. \u201cThe intention is genuine, by swooping in and paying for their child\u2019s first month\u2019s rent, for example, can mean the child learns to depend on you.\u201d<\/p>\n My son is 4, so he\u2019s not ready to leave the nest quite yet. However, I know that if I give in to my guilt and use money to show that I care, he\u2019ll learn \u2014 even at a young age \u2014 how to get what he wants. Worse, he\u2019ll never even leave the nest.<\/p>\n Dr. Alex Melkumian<\/a>, a financial psychotherapist practicing in Los Angeles, recalls a client, who at 26 years old, doesn\u2019t seem to have the coping skills to be a fully independent adult.<\/p>\n This client\u2019s parents got divorced when he was young. The mom felt guilty for not giving him a stable father figure, so she tried to solve his challenges when she\u2019d noticed he\u2019d get anxious. It\u2019s gotten to the point that she\u2019s still financially supporting him now that he is an adult by letting him move in when he lost his job and allowing him to stay for months.<\/p>\n Yikes.<\/p>\n Melkumian adds that children are smart and can pick up on your emotional cues. When having a practical\u00a0conversation about money<\/a>\u00a0\u2014 whether it\u2019s about providing for their living expenses or buying the latest toy \u2014 your child can sense more than just the surface level conversation.<\/p>\n \u201cShame and guilt can come up in conversation, and your child is keen to tap into that,\u201d he says. \u201cIt\u2019s a survival tactic, so of course, the child will want to say whatever it is to get what they want.\u201d<\/p>\n Parental guilt and desire to be there for your children won\u2019t go away. Yet, you\u2019re concerned about raising a child that may be too dependent on you, emotionally or financially. What\u2019s a parent to do?<\/p>\n The solution is simple but not easy: Work through your guilt and have a plan in place.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen you start putting boundaries in place, you really need to think hard and understand whether what you\u2019re doing is coming from a place of unconditional love or enabling,\u201d Melkumian says. \u201cIt can be hard to distinguish both in the moment, so that\u2019s why it\u2019s important to have responses ready that you\u2019ll anticipate from your child.\u201d<\/p>\n For example, Melkumian suggests\u00a0coming up with honest responses<\/a>\u00a0as to why you\u2019re saying no. If you decide to stop purchasing items for your child, he or she knows that an answer such as, \u201cI can\u2019t afford it,\u201d isn\u2019t going to cut it. Or if your grown child is at home and you want him to thrive on his own, work on gradually taking away certain privileges so the child can practice being independent.<\/p>\n Money is merely a tool, and, in this case, it\u2019s being used to show affection toward a child. However, there are plenty of ways to show that you care without money. That way, you as a parent can bring intimacy and love to deepen the relationship.<\/p>\n Simple actions such as scheduling a walk in the park with your kids can do wonders. Or even something as small as a secret handshake each time you say hello or goodbye will show your children you\u2019re thinking of them.<\/p>\n\n
Having the best intentions<\/h2>\n
Working through guilt<\/h2>\n
<\/span>Showing you care without money<\/h2>\n