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Asking for help isn’t always easy, but if your request happens to involve money, that can add another layer of emotional difficulty. “Some people endure a lot of pain and suffering before raising their hand and saying, ‘I need help,’” says financial psychotherapist Alex Melkumian. “This can be especially true when it comes to money, because there’s a real taboo around talking about it.”

So if you’ve ever asked yourself, “How do I ask my family for financial help?”, the key is to be up front about your needs while also being flexible about how your family may be able to help you. Here’s how to start the conversation.

CONSIDER YOUR FAMILY’S COMMUNICATION STYLE AND UPBRINGING

There is no cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all solution for bringing up the topic of money, so the best way to broach it will depend on your family’s preferred communication style. “Some families would be put off by not having a talk like this officially scheduled, because they’re more formal,” Melkumian says. “Yet for others, sending an email to pre-schedule would feel like a slap in the face: ‘Why did you feel like you couldn’t just come talk to me about it?’”

You’ll also want to consider if your upbringing has had any effect on how your family handles money in general. For instance, some families take a “you work for what you get” attitude and may only be willing to lend you money, Melkumian says. In others, helping family members out financially is part of the family’s culture, so they may be more inclined to give you money without expecting you to pay it back.

BE HONEST AND CLEAR ABOUT YOUR NEEDS

Before sitting down with your family, be sure to think through the practical details of your request: How much money are you looking for, and what will it be used for? You’ll need to be able to answer these questions and be willing to share details with your family in order to have a productive discussion. “It shows your intentionality in that you’re not just asking for help without thought,” Melkumian says. “You’re being respectful of the conversation and appreciating the other person’s consideration.”

When you’re specific in your ask, it avoids putting your family member in an awkward position. You don’t want them to have to guess what you need and throw out an arbitrary number. It also gives them an opportunity to offer an alternate amount of money that they’re more comfortable with.

BE OPEN TO MULTIPLE SOLUTIONS

While you should be specific in your ask, it’s just as important to be open to different ways your family might be able to help. “I would recommend talking through at least three different scenarios,” Melkumian says, including:

• A loan that’s expected to be repaid in a set amount of time, with interest
• An interest-free loan that’s expected to be repaid in a set amount of time
• A gift that isn’t expected to be repaid

Of course, if your family member has other ideas, discuss what would make them feel most comfortable. “In the end, while money is important, family is more important,” Melkumian says.

Ultimately, when asking your family for financial help, be appreciative of their consideration. “Remember that you’re giving the other person the opportunity to be helpful,” Melkumian says. “Sometimes the reverse-psychology technique is comforting, too. If your sister came to you in need of help, would you help her? Many of my clients say, ‘Absolutely.’ And that gives them some peace to go ahead and ask.”

After nearly two years of living through a global pandemic, those celebrating the holidays — and especially those gathering in person with loved ones — know there’s a lot to be grateful for. But if your wallet has taken a hit, the extra expenses of the seasons can be concerning.

And economic figures would suggest many of our pocketbooks have indeed been squeezed.

Unemployment is higher than pre-pandemic levels, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS). Inflation is surging at a pace not seen since 1990, also according to the BLS. And more than 1 in 4 adults are struggling to cover basic expenses, according to a November 2021 report from the nonpartisan research and policy institute Center on Budget and Policy Priorities.One in six renters are behind on rent, 1 in 13 homeowners are behind on mortgage payments, and nearly 1 in 8 adults with young children struggle to buy groceries, the report found.

“Inflation is making prices go through the roof,” says financial psychotherapist Alex Melkumian, PsyD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of the Financial Psychology Center in Los Angeles.

It’s a problem for all types of earners. Regardless of income bracket, the current financial landscape is making what’s considered “normal” now feel out of reach for many people, Dr. Melkumian says. “Everyone is having to scale down.”

And that scaling down can definitely take its toll on mental health, especially when it comes to the “most wonderful time of the year.” A lot of us have high expectations when it comes to the holidays. If you have to cut back on gift-giving or other seasonal festivities, Melkumian says: “This may bring up feelings of shortcomings and being ‘less than.’”

There may not be an easy fix for inflation or low wages. But according to Melkumian: “It helps to pause and understand that the whole world is going through it.”

Here’s more on why you might be feeling so stung by the current economic realities and how to cope.

COVID-19 Uncertainties Make Money Worries Worse

Money stress is no new phenomenon. U.S. adults ranked it as the biggest source of stress in pre-pandemic times, according to a 2015 report from the American Psychological Association (APA). More than 1 in 4 adults said then that they felt stressed about money all or most of the time.

But money stress has become more acute for many during the pandemic. Income loss and concern about financial security have been associated with increased depression, regardless of how much money people made before the pandemic or their level of anxiety related to the coronavirus itself, according to a study published in August 2021 in the Journal of Affective Disorders.

That research suggests it’s not only income loss or financial hits that cause financial stress; worrying about potential financial hardships causes stress, too.

Uncertainty around the course of the pandemic and the future of the job market can certainly trigger anxiety, says Megan McCoyMegan McCoy, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and personal financial planning professor at Kansas State University, who researches the relationship between financial planning and mental health.

“Unfortunately, despite advancements with COVID-19 treatments and vaccines, we still do not know when the pandemic will truly be behind us,” Dr. McCoy says.

Money Trouble at the Holidays Delivers a Unique Sting

For many of us, gift-giving is a way of reinforcing social ties with friends and family. We can feel a deep sense of shame when we’re not able to give gifts or feel upset if we don’t receive gifts from people we’re close to who we’ve
exchanged gifts with in the past, says Ed Coambs, a certified financial planner and financial marriage and family therapist who is the author of
The Healthy Love and Money Way, and has developed financial psychology courses for couples and individuals.

“When we are wrestling with shame, we are wrestling with our sense of acceptability,” Coambs says. We fear that our relationships with loved ones will be damaged if gifts aren’t exchanged, and our sense of shame only increases when we can’t afford to give a gift that seems big enough to express how much we value the relationship.

On the flip side, we can also feel like our relationship isn’t valued if we don’t receive a gift or receive a gift that’s smaller than we expected, Coambs says.

Some people see money as a magic salve for emotional distress. So when they don’t have the funds to create the perfect holiday experience (whether it’s buying gifts or other goodies of the season), they feel distressed instead of appreciating the potential to celebrate in less expensive ways, McCoy adds.

Others equate their net worth with their self-worth, and feel any inability to afford holiday activities is a personal failure rather than a temporary financial setback, McCoy says.

In other instances, people may feel so anxious about the potential for their finances to take a turn for the worse that they cut spending too drastically and miss out on opportunities to connect with friends and family.

Especially because so many of us missed seeing family or exchanging presents because of the pandemic last year, we’re putting even more pressure on ourselves to make the holidays and our gift-giving special this year, says Debra L. Kaplan, a licensed professional counselor and financial therapist based in Tucson, Arizona.

“The feeling of ‘not enough-ness’ is prevalent for many this year. It’s as if people need to make up for lost opportunities to show love and affection,” she says. “And the holidays are already rife with emotions and family expectations.”

Tips for Coping With Financial Stress This Holiday Season

You may not be able to change your financial circumstances in time for the holidays, but there is a lot you can do to manage the stress you may feel around your spending this time of year, financial therapists say. Some things include:

• Watch out for avoidant behavior when it comes to money trouble. Refusing to take about money or open bills this time of year will only make your holiday financial stress feel worse, McCoy says.
• Reflect on (and talk about) past experiences about unmet gift expectations. Talking to someone about how you’ve felt in the past when you couldn’t give gifts or you didn’t receive gifts can help you build “financial
  empathy” into your relationships, Coambs says.
• Set boundaries to limit financial stress. Don’t be afraid to limit gifts you will give and what celebrations you will join this year if you can’t afford to do as much as you might like, Kaplan says. Consider how to
  reinvent how you celebrate to save money.
• Focus on experiences not things. Think outside the box and try a gift-making party, bake things for people, or throw a potluck instead of hosting a huge meal and footing the entire bill yourself, Melkumian suggests.

When it comes to using paid time off, many Americans just don’t do it. In part, that’s because of a major cultural narrative that hard work will allow you to reach your goals.

“That narrative has really ground us into this workaholic sort of mentality,” says Dr. Alex Melkumian, LMFT and Psy. D. “It actually became cool to work 24/7, to be available via email all the time.”

But this lifestyle has plenty of drawbacks and may negatively impact your mental health. Taking a vacation is an important way to practice self care, whether you’re planning a long trip abroad or a three-day staycation.

Here’s a look at how taking paid time off can benefit your mental health and actually make you a better employee.

Why your mental health needs a vacation

Even before the pandemic forced people to stay at home, workers weren’t great about taking time off. A 2019 Bankrate survey found that only 38 percent of Americans with paid vacation days planned on using all of them. And according to the U.S. Travel Association, Americans forfeited 236 million vacation days in 2018, which is equivalent to $65.5 billion in lost benefits.

Work and life can be full of daily struggles, and “chronic stress negatively impacts our physical, emotional and mental health,” says Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, LMSW and a financial therapist.

Unfortunately, the negative impacts of stress increased during the coronavirus pandemic, according to the Kaiser Family Foundation. About 4 in 10 adults in the U.S. reported symptoms of anxiety or depression in 2020 and 2021, up from 1 in 10 in 2019.

A vacation may counteract the effects of stress and potentially help improve your mental health. Here’s why.

Vacations engage your senses

When you’re immersed in a different environment, all of your senses are heightened — especially if you’re experiencing a different culture. Engaging your senses generally helps lower your stress, says Wendy Wright, LMFT and financial therapist.

On vacation, “you are constantly engaging and bombarding your five senses, so it allows new thought loops and you get a different perspective,” Wright says. Breaking out of a repetitive mindset may help you cope with stress or a difficult situation in a healthier way.

Vacations may strengthen relationships

Even with Zoom chats and phone calls, the physical distance from others left many feeling disconnected during the pandemic. A vacation provides an opportunity to strengthen the important relationships in your life, whether you’re taking a trip with friends or family members. And as COVID-19 cases are falling and more people are vaccinated, the ability to safely travel with others is growing.

Vacations can increase your creative thinking

If you’re often stuck in a decision-making loop that’s on repeat every day at work, then you’re only using some of your skills. It’s a lot like the quarantine many are experiencing, “which is why it has felt boring and also despairing; it’s so repetitive,” Wright says.

But on vacation, engaging different parts of your brain kick-starts the creative process and helps you “re-enter work with some fresh ideas,” Wright says.

Taking trips increases your adaptability

Adaptable workers are flexible and can adjust to change with a positive mindset, making it a highly desirable trait in any employee or manager. Taking trips can improve that skill because “it gets us out of our norm,” Melkumian says. “You’re being immersed in something completely different, especially if you’re traveling to a place that’s very different from where you usually live.”

For example, visiting a different country may expose you to a new language, culture, transportation system and social environment. Navigating those challenges helps you become more adaptable and can increase your self-esteem.

Reasons you should take your PTO

Workers in the private industry receive an average of 15 paid vacation days after five years of service, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. While some companies allow their workers to roll over the accrued PTO, others have a use-it-or-lose-it policy.

“From a financial standpoint, you should take your PTO because otherwise, you aren’t taking advantage of an earned benefit,” Bryan-Podvin says. “It’s just as silly to not take PTO as it is to tell your boss, ‘No thanks, I don’t really want that raise.’”

In addition to the financial reasons to take PTO, there are other reasons it could be a good idea.

Taking PTO may lead to a promotion

Employees often feel they need to work long hours to pull ahead in their careers, especially if they’re just starting out. But that doesn’t help you with efficiency, effectiveness or creativity. Instead, overworking yourself can lead to burnout and seriously drain your productivity.

Vacation helps you avoid burnout because the time away allows you to refresh your mindset and develop problem-solving tools. It also helps you set boundaries and practice self-care at work. In fact, according to a Project: Time Off report, people who use all of their PTO days have a 6.5 percent higher chance of getting a promotion or a pay raise than people who only take a few days off each year.

Taking PTO may heal work anxiety

While it’s not a specific diagnosis, you might experience work anxiety if you’re constantly thinking about work, you’re worried your colleagues dislike you or you’re afraid of losing your job. Taking PTO can give you time away from the workplace — and the people in it — which can help you break out of these thought processes and deal with what’s behind them.

Planning your PTO is rewarding, too

During the pandemic, the monotony hasn’t given us much to look forward to — but planning a trip or a staycation gives you a sense of anticipation and purpose.

“When we anticipate something good happening, we get to live it in our minds again and again,” Bryan-Podvin says. “It also allows us to use our imagination and daydream, letting us tap into the creative side of our brains that don’t often get as much stimulation.”

Using PTO helps you recharge

Some vacations may not reduce stress at all because they involve long flights or too much stimulation. But a vacation is simply any time you break out of your normal routine, and it’s important to find a good balance for yourself. One study in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that you need eight consecutive days to really unplug from work and feel happy. If you don’t have eight days to spare or you just need a quick way to recharge, you could use a day or two of PTO to relax.

“I love a good staycation and believe that exploring where we live like tourists can make us feel more connected to our sense of home and community,” Bryan-Podvin says.

Bottom line

Getting time away from the daily grind is essential to your mental health, which is certainly something that should be prioritized.

It’s a good idea to know how much PTO you have and in what circumstances you could lose it.

If you’re self-employed, Wright suggests putting aside a certain amount of money every week to form your own PTO fund. But if you do work for someone else, Wright recommends talking with your manager about when to use your PTO and how to delegate tasks while you’re gone.

“Remember your priorities,” Melkumian says. “Your family, your friends, your mental well-being, your health. Things like that are more important than sticking it out for your employer.”

Let’s be real: You may not know—or think about—the psychological factors that contribute to your financial decisions. But if you want to build healthy financial habits and improve your relationship with money, this topic is worth exploring.

“Our personality has a huge impact on our behavior, preferences, and values,” says Alex Melkumian, PsyD, founder of the Financial Psychology Center in Los Angeles, CA. And when it comes to money, he says that each of our personality traits can impact our financial psychology and mindset in different ways.

The “Big Five” personality traits

Your personality exists on a spectrum—that means you don’t have a single personality type or show one personality trait (people are complex, after all). However, scientists have developed a personality model that identifies five traits found in most human beings:

• Openness to experience
• Conscientiousness
• Extroversion (which also includes introversion)
• Agreeableness
• Neuroticism

“Every person embodies some portion of all five of these,” says Dr. Melkumian. “They’re neither good nor bad, but each one can have a negative and positive impact on how you deal with money.”

Want to know where you land? You can take a free personality test here or here. Keep reading for a breakdown of how each trait could affect your finances.

1. Openness to experience

Openness to experience ranges from being closed to being open and reflects your creativity and curiosity. It could show up in whether you’re game to try new things or prefer to go the conventional route.

• If you’re more closed, you might have an easier time focusing on the financial goals you set.
• If you’re more open, you could be good at coming up with non-traditional ways to earn money.

“Openness can be a driving force behind a lot of financial success,” Dr. Melkumian says. “Creatives [can be] really high in openness, for example.” However, people who are more closed may have an easier time implementing new plans.

2. Conscientiousness

Conscientiousness ranges from spontaneous to conscientious, and it reflects your thoughtfulness, organization, dependability, and grit.

• If you’re more spontaneous, you might be more likely to take big risks that lead to big rewards.
• If you’re more conscientious, you may find it easier to create—and stick to—a financial plan.

Conscientious people tend to be dependable and punctual, which can be a positive trait in a money manager, but they may also seek validation from others. “They may worry about what others will think of their financial decisions,” says Dr. Melkumian. “It may prevent them from taking a risk that they should [consider].”

3. Extroversion

Extroversion ranges from introverted to extroverted and reflects your sociability, assertiveness, and how you feed off the energy of others.

• If you’re more introverted, you may not be as likely to compare yourself to others when making financial decisions.
• If you’re more extroverted, it could be easier to build a professional network that you can leverage to advance your financial goals.

Some people are also somewhere in the middle (ambiverts), or move from one end of the spectrum to the other. “You need a little bit of both to be the best professional,” says Dr. Melkumian. The extrovert in you can help you connect with others, while the introvert will keep you from being overly concerned about others’ approval or validation.

4. Agreeableness

Agreeableness ranges from hostile to agreeable and reflects your honesty, generosity, and how you care for and trust others.

• If you’re more hostile, you might have an easier time advocating for yourself and your needs.
• If you’re more agreeable, you could be good at collaborating and forming trust-filled relationships, which is key if you’re sharing finances with a partner.

One more thing: Agreeableness may also have an impact on your ability to earn money. For example, “You might [be less likely to] demand the top pay for your skillset being more agreeable,” Dr. Melkumian explains. That can in turn affect your financial planning.

5. Neuroticism

Neuroticism ranges from stable to neurotic and reflects your confidence, resilience, self-esteem, and how well you self-regulate your emotions.

• If you’re more stable, you may be less likely to make rash financial decisions.
• If you’re more neurotic, your strong emotions could propel you to achieve your financial goals.

“Emotions get a bad rap in the field of personal finance,” says Dr. Melkumian. “As long as we’re able to keep ourselves out of the extreme negative emotions, they can be motivating and helpful.”

So, what can you do next?

Look for ways to leverage your personality to accomplish your financial goals. Luckily, Upwise is for everyone, and it’s designed to help you create positive habits. So while you may not change your personality, you can work toward improving your financial future.