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Love and Money or Love and Punishment?

Love and Money or Love and Punishment?

Money is a form of emotional currency in relationships. Disappointment and uncertainty are a normal part of any relationship. However, an inability to communicate your underlying emotions often leads to poor coping strategies such as the need to control, enable or punish your partner. In many cases, the urge to punish comes from a place of fear — the fear of creating intimacy. It is one of the ways to gain control of the situation without being vulnerable but doing so in an unhealthy manner.

While money and wealth are not inherently evil, it can be the source of many immoralities, and expose the dark side of our humanity. Interestingly, financial abuse is seen in 99% of domestic violence cases.1 However, it is not as recognized as a form of abuse or violence, compared to physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. Why is that? Why do we have a hard time recognizing and spotting financial abuse in our relationships? The answers to these questions, often asked by many, can be found through understanding the root of financial abuse. Additionally, we see how our traumas from the past can lead to poor and abusive financial behaviours towards ourselves, and sometimes towards others.

Victim Cycle

Financial abuse is the utilization of money as a tool to control another person.2 It can be seen in many forms: controlling one’s access to money, giving no privacy for financial decisions, giving no social life, or making it impossible for you to leave the relationship with financial stability. By coercing another person into a position where they are not financially stable as an individual, the abuser gains toxic and destructive control in that relationship. Surely, this cycle of abuse is not happening in a vacuum, but rather it is using money as a medium to cause emotional and psychological trauma to another person. Similar to other forms of abuse, the cycle of violence plays a role in perpetuating the hurtful and devastating need for control of the abuser. The four-part cycle consists of: 1. Tension building 2. Abuse or violence 3. Reconciliation and 4. Calm.3 This cycle illuminates certain traits observed in abuse that can be helpful in offering treatment or possible solutions. Though some forms of abuse many not exactly emulate these exact steps, the subtlety of the abuse can also push victims into a corner.

Neuroscience behind it

The perpetuated motion of making it more difficult for the victim to leave the situation behind also lies in the fact that there are neurological changes observed, in addition to the sentiment of fear that the abuser strikes on a variety of occasions. It involves the chemical, oxytocin, normally known as the love drug. Under normal circumstances, it is produced in a brain structure known as amygdala, and it encourages happiness and positive social bonds.4 However, under painful and troublesome conditions, it is produced from the receptors in the lateral septum, triggering a social stress response.4 This stimulates a withdrawing effect of wanting to return to happier times. An example of that could be wanting to go back to times when both people were financially dependent in a healthy way. Although you may think our rational mind can override the decisions made by the neurotransmitters, the emotional effect of this chemical is impactful to the point where it may be very tough to rise up against it.

Such disturbing and traumatic experiences of financial abuse lead to an alteration of our brain pathways and our emotional and decision-making processes. It is utterly crucial to recognize the lasting impact of financial abuse because the solution is not something that is as simple as gluing two pieces back together and pretending that nothing had happened. It is rather a complex situation that requires guidance and support to recover from.

What is Big T and Little T Trauma?

As alluded from above, being financially abused and controlled is a traumatic experience. While one action does not define financial abuse, the characteristics are on a spectrum, similar to how we categorize big T and little T traumas Big T trauma is a reaction towards utterly disturbing or life-threatening incidents, normally associated with PTSD.5,6 Likewise, little T trauma, while these situations may not be life-threatening, is caused by upsetting and distressing situations that do not classify under big T trauma.6 One thing to remember when discussing little T and big T traumas is that it is no math equation. 1 big T trauma does not equal to 3 little T traumas. However, there is a compound effect, also known as the snowball effect, of smaller scale traumas piling up on each other causing extreme emotional and psychological stress and anxiety. An example of that can be how individual money controlling behaviour may not be considered life-threatening; however, the build-up of these experiences and abuses can lead to a much more severe and distressing situation. These lead to the neurological changes in the location of neurotransmitter release and the amount of hormones released.

Interestingly, childhood trauma can lead to poor financial decisions. This can be accredited to the fact that as a child, there were some coping mechanisms that were used during distressing times that are manifesting as an adult. Erica Sandberg writes that irrational and compulsive actions such as excessive spending or excessive saving can be rooted in the fact that the brain is now programmed to overreact to situations due to past experiences7

We see that financial abuse stems from the desire to manipulate and gain control in a relationship in order to assert its dominance over the other person. However, the effect of financial abuse is measureless and unquantifiable — it leaves emotional scars on those who have experienced it.

How to Cope:

Financial abuse is in no way, shape or form a manner to show one’s love. It is just a mask for one’s insecurities or a product of one’s past, which in neither case is acceptable. However, for the victims, it is very important to understand that healing is a process. While one’s perspective may have changed drastically in addition to an altered emotion-based decision-making process, this is not the end of the road. Some steps that may be helpful in this process are:8

  1. Recognize triggers
  2. Set boundaries
  3. Understand that healing is a process
  4. Seek professional help
  5. Acceptance

Control and abuse are not tolerated. The importance of recognizing self-worth and signs of financial abuse cannot be stressed enough. While you might dismiss some uncomfortable and unwanted actions as trivial, it is important to recognize certain patterns and realize the depth and severity that financial abuse can reach.

Control or punishment, is not synonymous with love and it never will be.

    1. Barr, A. (2019, January 22). Financial abuse & strategies to stop the cycle. Retrieved February 23, 2021, from https://www.aimeebarrlcsw.com/single-post/2019/01/22/Financial-Abuse-Strategies-To-Stop-The-Cycle
    2. Forms of economic abuse. (2019, October 10). Retrieved February 23, 2021, from https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/financial-abuse
    3. https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/cycle-of-abuse#the-cycle
    4. He, J. (2019, November 06). Gray matter: Neuroscience reveals why abuse victims can’t just walk away. Retrieved February 23, 2021, from https://dailytrojan.com/2019/11/05/gray-matter-neuroscience-reveals-why-abuse-victims-cant-just-walk-away/
    5. Monroe, J. (2020, November 13). Young adult trauma: ‘big t’ and ‘little t’. Retrieved February 23, 2021, from https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/treatment/adolescent-trauma/
    6. Clancy, C. (2019, December 20). What’s the difference between big “t” and little “t” trauma? Retrieved February 23, 2021, from https://journeypureriver.com/big-t-little-t-trauma/
    7. Sandberg, E. (2014, November 17). How trauma leads to destructive financial choices. Retrieved February 23, 2021, from https://www.creditcards.com/credit-card-news/trauma-destructive-financial-choices-1264/
    8. Coping with traumatic stress – the snowball effect – kristin cuthriell. (2013, December 16). Retrieved February 23, 2021, from https://thesnowballeffect.com/2013/12/16/coping-with-traumatic-stress/

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Love and Money

Lilian Yoffe

Love and money. These two seemingly unrelated subjects actually cross path in surprising ways. As February is known as the month of love, it is timely to discuss the role money plays in all relationships. Financial conversations, though can be tricky and cumbersome at times, are essential in establishing a healthy relationship between you and your partner. It is a great way to strengthen your relationship by eliminating a taboo element in a relationship. However, money can also be used to sabotage a relationship in numerous ways – as, a medium for enabling, control, and punishment. Remember, money isn’t our enemy. However it is up to us to decide what kind of relationship we are going to have with our partners in regards to dealing with finances.

Financial enabling can be characterized as the act of a pseudo-helper where you get the sensation of lending a hand to those in need, while in reality perpetuating the deep seeded problem. While this issue can definitely be seen in couples, this dynamic can also be observed in a parent-child relationship. The enabler is unable to say “no” to a financial demand by the one who is financially dependent. It can stem from the good intentions of the enabler and also from the pursuit of the enabler to help their partner.1 However, this is not helpful for the dependent because the main issue is not dealt with, and it is rather a band-aid solution.

Contrarily to enabling where order and system is not established, control and punishment using money show opposite traits. While the essence of control and punishment are very different, the actions and effect tend to be overlapping. Both can be characterized as financial abuse entailing control of the victim’s ability to use, or acquire money. The need for control can be rooted in different aspects of one’s financial emotions, such as the desire to gain control in the relationship2 or the fear of uncertainty. Money becomes a very accessible medium to cast one’s superiority and dominance over the other as it plays a vital role in everyone’s lives — more simply put, we all need money, so taking that away from someone creates great tension. Unlike physical or verbal abuse, financial abuse in the form of control is less recognized by the public despite its common occurrences in society.2 Similarly, the origin of punishing your partner through money can also be identified as the yearning to gain control in the midst of uncertainty or variability. All our relationships are dynamic; however, the inability to recognize and adapt to changes makes us fear change. It can lead to negative emotions such as pain, hurt, and a sense of isolation.3 More importantly, there is no punishment out of love.

What does this mean?

It means that while money can be used in so many meaningful ways, it can also become a knife that hurts us all. Take a step back and see if what you are doing “out of love” is actually a reflection of your values and beliefs. It is never too late to recognize that what you are doing might be hurting your partner rather than helping. There are three easy steps you can follow to establish a healthy financial relationship with your partner:

1. Recognize that what you might be doing with good intensions, could be hurting your partner.
2. Establish a clear and transparent line of communication.
3. Keep both partners in the loop, and do not avoid money conversations just because it is uncomfortable

Love is beautiful. Don’t let money ruin and destroy the harmony.

1. Kahler, R. (n.d.). When parents can’t say no: Financial enabling. Retrieved February 08, 2021, from https://kahlerfinancial.com/financial-awakenings/money-psychology/when-parents-cant-say-no-financial-enabling
2. Smith, A. (2016, August 10). How money is used as a weapon in relationships. Retrieved February 09, 2021, from https://www.kiplinger.com/article/spending/t065-c023-s002-how-money-is-used-as-a-weapon-in-relationships.html
3. Posted by: Team Tony, T. (2019, March 14). The negative effects of punishing someone in a relationship. Retrieved February 09, 2021, from https://www.tonyrobbins.com/love-relationships/stop-punishing-partner/

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Darks side of entrepreneurship: Embracing your emotions is your way to success.

Charisma, creativity and enthusiasm are some of the traits that can be used to describe entrepreneurs. The holders of a creative mind that view the world in a different perspective. While the description may be glamorous and fascinating on the surface and while it may be true, it also entails many challenges, and obstacles accompanies with negative emotions. However, there is no such thing as a perfect profession, let alone a perfect person. The importance lies in how we deal with these challenges and turn it into a learning lesson for future obstacles by healthily managing our own emotions.

The characterization of the entrepreneur’s shadow as “the dark side of entrepreneurship”, gives us an idea of how all the success and the money we may see is just the tip of the iceberg. Below it, the reality reveals itself in harsh yet authentic ways. Some aspects include, need for control, distrust for those around them, (Kets de Vries., 20), and the inevitability of failure (Leyes., 2020). However, these traits do not encompass the whole truth, as negative emotions are a large part of this gloomy aspect of entrepreneurship, which include fear of failure, stress, anxiety, loneliness, shame and incompetence. While these emotions are commonly seen among all in various professions, another aspect that adds another level of complexity is the mere fact that many entrepreneurs value money and profit over psychological factors. Whether it be addressing one’s emotions or actively engaging in self-care, management of personal psychological factors are crucial for both mental and physical well-being.

The duality of physical and mental well-being isn’t the only pair that is important when considering one’s healthy decision-making process. An informed decision, a decision aligned with one’s values and beliefs, can be made through the wise mind, which is a combination of the logical brain and the emotional brain. As per the name, the logical brain is located in the frontal lobe and is responsible for logical reasoning based on factual information. On the other hand, the emotional brain is in the amygdala which is responsible for the fight-or-flight response. Contrary to the logical brain, it takes into account our own current emotional state. The union and balance of these two decision making processes allow us to make the most optimal decision based on facts and grounded rationals while still acknowledging our emotions (Schenck.,).

Clearly, our emotions are not negligible in the decision-making process, while it is equally vital to prevent these strong emotions from overpowering the logical reasoning. Entrepreneurs with strong negative emotions may experience amygdala hijack, a state where the logical brain is unfunctional and the decision is made solely based on the emotional brain, leading to a downward spiral of decisions due to the lack of grounded rationals involved in the process. Arlin Cuncic suggests the best way to prevent this imbalanced process is to increase one’s emotional intelligence. Whether that be to practice mindfulness or managing your emotions, it’s the ability to acknowledge and integrate your emotions that allow us to make the best informed decision. A study by Vivianna Fang He, et al. examining the relationship between learning from failure and emotion regulation demonstrates that learning is more positive for entrepreneurs who can effectively regulate their emotions. More simply, it suggests that our emotional management affects the relationship between failure and learning. Furthermore, O’Shea et al. presents a similar relationship between emotion and action in their study where in addition to our current emotional state, our anticipated emotions also influence future behaviour. Whether it be positive emotion or negative emotion, they impact our behaviour in varying ways.

These negative emotions are inevitable. However, emotional management and emotional intelligence are something that can help us cope with it and learn how to integrate it into our healthy decision making. Our emotions may not be the mirror image of reality but it reflects our internal state, don’t ignore it.

References:

Kets de Vries, M. F. (2014, August 01). The Dark Side of Entrepreneurship. Retrieved January 27, 2021, from https://hbr.org/1985/11/the-dark-side-of-entrepreneurship

Leyes, K. (2020, June 17). 5 Things You Didn’t Know About the Dark Side of Entrepreneurship. Retrieved January 27, 2021, from https://www.influencive.com/5-things-you-didnt-know-about-the-dark-side-of-entrepreneurship/

Schenck, L. (2011, October 19). What is “Wise Mind?” Retrieved January 27, 2021, from https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/what-is-wise-mind

Fang He V, Sirén C, Singh S, Solomon G, von Krogh G. Keep Calm and Carry On: Emotion Regulation in Entrepreneurs’ Learning from Failure. Entrepreneurship Theory and Practice. 2018;42(4):605-630. doi:10.1177/1042258718783428

O’Shea D, Buckley F, Halbesleben J. Self-regulation in entrepreneurs: Integrating action, cognition, motivation, and emotions. Organizational Psychology Review. 2017;7(3):250-278. doi:10.1177/2041386617705434

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Could COVID positively affect your New Year’s Resolutions?

The most challenging year most of us have ever experienced—or ever will experience—has finally moved into the past. Its significant toll has left millions struggling to clear the financial and emotional wreckage in order to move ahead with their lives.  In the dawn of the New Year we have the opportunity for reflection, and a brief pause to contemplate resolutions and goals for the upcoming year.

 

Whether modest or ambitious, goals emerge from a personal vision of the future. Such visions are rooted in our core values. Whether built upon our own personal experiences or inherited from our elders, our values act as a compass, providing directionality to our lives; they shape our decisions, behavior, and the accompanying emotions. However, for many people, the psychological toll wrought by the pandemic has led to a questioning of basic values and beliefs.

 

Pervasive fear of an invisible, potentially deadly enemy was compounded by instability and economic hardship through loss of employment, decrease in income, and drastic measures undertaken to reduce spending. As the months of adversity persisted, sadness and hopelessness gave way to desperation. But the somber reality of financial privation was not the only source of difficult emotions. The challenges to our values and beliefs also worked to create negative emotions.

 

Our beliefs shape our reality through their impact on our behavior and the subsequent reactions of others (Breines, 2015). When new information or unexpected circumstances defy long-held beliefs, we experience the discomfort of cognitive dissonance. For example, for most Americans the traditions of gathering together to celebrate July 4th and Thanksgiving were disrupted in 2020 in the name of “social distancing.” Likewise, the annual year-end Season of Giving—during which charitable contributions and holiday gift-giving usually reach a peak—met with major reductions in personal expressions of generosity, originating in unanticipated financial duress.

The resultant dissonance causes a host of negative emotions including anxiety and shame. Our psychological health is adversely affected, as ensuing behavioral changes deviate further from our values, the negative cycle of emotions overpowering our decisions.

 

The disconnect between our values and behavior tests our ability to adapt to new situations and prevent internal conflict. An acknowledgement of our emotions’ role in this process allows us to address this discordance and create resolutions for positive change.

 

Dr.Christiane Northrup (2019) offers suggestions for reducing cognitive dissonance through simple changes in behavior. For example, although monetary donations may be difficult or impossible at this time, the decision to sort and donate old clothes and unwanted household items to a local charity may be one way to respect and align with the core value of generosity. Similarly, practices that hold the power to alter negative thinking include daily entries in a gratitude journal and deliberate mindfulness. Another beneficial exercise is to begin each morning with a clear and positive intention for the day, following up with determined effort to align behavior with that intention. Such practices derail negative thoughts and allow one to notice and appreciate the good in life.

 

The difficulties of “the new normal” may persist well into 2021. However, acknowledgment of our emotions and positive resolutions during the early days of the New Year may bring some peace and hope for the future, financially and emotionally.

 

References

  1. Breines, J. (2015, August 30). 3 Ways Your Beliefs Can Shape Your Reality | Psychology … Retrieved December 21, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/in-love-and-war/201508/3-ways-your-beliefs-can-shape-your-reality
  2. Northrup, C. (2019, January 22). 4 Ways To Reduce Cognitive Dissonance. Retrieved December 21, 2020, from https://www.drnorthrup.com/4-ways-to-reduce-cognitive-dissonance/

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Is your heart K-Shaped

What is K-Shaped economic recovery and how it relates to our emotional financial journey?

The world will at some point in 2021 try to recover from the COVID-19 recession of 2020. Already the economic analysts are predicting that this is going to be a K-shaped recovery. This is what happens when different sections of the economy experience different recovery rates, times, or levels. The opposite would be an even recovery across sectors or groups of people. What this means is we are in for more than just “getting back on our feet” together. The K-shaped recovery has an impact on economic structure of the broader society, fundamentally changing how we see ourselves as a society. It depicts the path that some parts of the economy will take, heading up, and then it also predicts different economic sections to experience and even greater downturn.

 

 

Image by Sabrina Jiang © Investopedia 2020

What you can see from this chart is that the recovering industries will create a disparity between those who work for them and those who work for the industries that are still in need of assistance. Friends who once were at the same economic level in different industries may suddenly find themselves at different financial levels than previously equal friends. The lower half of the K represents the decimation of not only entire industries, food and dining, events, hospitality, but the financial security they offered to millions of people.

My client who has worked in the fashion and clothing industry for the past 20+ years is dejected. Even prior to COVID19 that industry was barely surviving. Now with the pandemic, the company is practically on life support. Staff have been laid off, entire orders have been lost, and they are left wondering what will happen next. There is no sense of security a director’s position would normally offer you. Because of this work uncertainty, she has been struggling to keep her perspective and has been experiencing a whirlwind of emotions. On the one hand she considers herself to be lucky that she is still employed. If it wasn’t for a fluke that a major distributor was required to accept an order that then sold in record time, her department would have gone under. In her case, even though she is on the bottom stroke of the K, she has a sense of financial survivors guilt because she still has a job, while struggling with emotions that it may not last until retirement. While she had to take a major pay cut to help the company survive, she understands that she is one of the lucky ones to still have a job. Having conversations with colleagues about still being employed has been extremely difficult. Meanwhile she is grateful her children work in technology and as essential workers.

How is the uneven economic recovery felt at the individual level?

What this example shows us is that just because you are on the bottom of the K in your work area, you can still suffer from survivor’s guilt and celebrate your family’s or friends’ position in the recovering industries but still fear for your own position. In other words:  It is going to create a huge fluctuation in personal emotions.

Originally this pandemic created a fight, flight or freeze stress response and now, with a ½ recovery predicted “just around the corner” many are unfortunately settling into the next phase of financial PTSD, with little sign of a quick fix. Even worse, it will widen the socioeconomic gap all the while increasing the emotional toll of the depressing economy. Managing those difficult emotions will fall to  the individual’s responsibility to process, accept and pivot away from the ones that don’t serve them Being able to be aware of your own feelings and your overall financial psychology will help you in the coming phase keep a more balanced perspective and be less reactionary to the difficult and negative emotions evoked by the K-Shaped recovery.

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How to Survive the Holiday Season with COVID19

From apple pies and turkey to presents and the New Year countdown, the end of the year typically carries its good cheer past the festivities. However, this year’s holiday season might look and feel uncharacteristically different for all of us. Despite the recent uplifting news of a potential vaccine for COVID-19, the unprecedented emotional, physical, and financial toll that the pandemic has caused could possibly persist and even rise in the coming weeks.

Although there are many things to be grateful for during this holiday season, the absence of customary celebrations, gifts, and travel make the financial struggles of the past several months more painfully obvious. According to Simon Restubog (May, 2020), this chaotic year has caused layoffs, downsizing, and involuntary unemployment in vastly different domains of business.1 It is no surprise that people are planning to spend less this year. A recent Deloitte retail survey found a 7% decrease in general holiday spending among households, led by a whopping 34% drop in expenditures on travel.2 Overall, roughly 2 in 5 Americans will likely spend less this year due to the pandemic.

Public health guidelines—of which we are all painfully aware by now—strongly recommend keeping holiday gatherings to a minimum, reinforcing a pervasive sense of melancholy and loneliness. In addition to the effect of quarantine and isolation on mental health, the ongoing uncertainty of income aggravates anxious and apprehensive thoughts regarding the future. Whether it be anger, confusion, loneliness, or depression, people of all ages have suffered unmatched emotional struggle on top of the everyday challenges of COVID-19.

These emotions exert a major influence on our financial decisions. The Wall Street Journal’s Benartzi and Payne emphasized that even ambient emotions—easily disregarded under normal circumstances—play a dramatic role in financial decision making.3 On one hand, our financial stability has been severely tested over the past couple of months; and issues of financial security and responsibility may restrict many of us from holiday spending on gifts and special food. On the other hand, such conscious, sorrowful decisions to hunker down and tighten our belts during a formerly exuberant season can create considerable internal turmoil. Counterintuitive to preserving financial security, such stress sometimes translates into the sudden urge to indulge in palliative shopping.

So, what do we do now?

One key skill for preventing our emotions from overpowering us is to clearly identify them.

“Am I worried that we are not going to have enough money?”

“Am I sad that I cannot travel this year?”

Flagging these key emotions helps us digest our feelings in a non-destructive manner. And conscious awareness helps us to manage difficult mindsets through seeking positive, alternative ways to ease strong, unpleasant feelings.

Although spending on quality gifts and celebratory travels may not be possible this year, why not shift our focus to spending quality time closer to home? Because as painful as it may have been for many of us, it is in these challenging times that we realize the value and significance of family and friends.

Happy Holidays!

  1. Restubog, S., Ocampo, A., & Wang, L. (2020, May 08). Taking control amidst the chaos: Emotion regulation during the COVID-19 pandemic. Retrieved November 19, 2020, from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0001879120300658?casa_token=4mdrB4qjMYMAAAAA%3AM_TdljHzF34HHZyv_Qxb0vHZe3muH02DJ2yUwS0nLyThZJ2Vg2lmRMskjpzITygYocUrMVrOBAE
  2. 2020 Deloitte holiday retail survey: Reimagining traditions. (n.d.). Retrieved November 19, 2020, from https://www2.deloitte.com/us/en/insights/industry/retail-distribution/holiday-retail-sales-consumer-survey.html?id=us%3A2el%3A3pr%3A4di6890%3A5awa%3A6di%3A102020%3A
  3. Benartzi, S., & Payne, J. (2020, October 19). How Covid-19 May Be Unconsciously Affecting Your Financial Decisions. Retrieved November 19, 2020, from https://www.wsj.com/articles/how-covid-19-may-be-unconsciously-affecting-your-financial-decisions-11603065600