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June 16, 2020 By Sarah Li Cain for Fabric

How to Make Mundane Moments With Your Kids Feel Actually Special

(Fabric) – After my husband bought an additional TV for our bedroom, he, our son and I were on three devices at the same time. The only real talking we did was to tell each other to turn down the volume.

Before coronavirus forced us to spend every minute together, I’d find myself complaining about picking up my son from preschool, biking the few miles in the intense Florida heat.

The fact that my husband and I both work from home, plus my son’s getting used to his at-home routine means we have plenty of “opportunities” to spend time together. Of course, relishing these moments can feel hard, especially with work deadlines and your children acting up because their routine is disrupted.

That’s why I’ve asked relationship, family and money experts to help you find ways to savor even the mundane time that you spend with your family—whether or not you’re in the middle of a pandemic.

Here are some seemingly ordinary activities you can do with your family that’ll help you grow closer together (instead of tearing each other apart).

1. Create a New Routine Together

It can be helpful to create a new routine, especially if your old ones have been disrupted. Instead of dictating the routine to your kids, why not involve your children in the planning?

Jonathan Dixon, a licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests families start slow. Schedule a time when everyone is free and won’t be interrupted. Take the time to listen to what activities each family member enjoys and how they can be implemented into the week ahead.

“Try a routine similar to you and your children’s typical daily schedule,” he says. “This can help you get into your child’s world a bit; ask them to show you what their day would’ve looked like at school. Ask what they love to do for recess and try incorporating those activities.”

It could also be helpful to discuss a morning routine where you’re spending time together before going off to your separate activities. For example, Fabric’s editorial director Allison Kade has found it hard to be quarantined with her husband and toddler while trying to work a full-time job, but she’s been trying to see the upside: “The three of us now have breakfast together pretty much every day, which we didn’t do before.”

See if you can build positivity into these new daily routines. Kade says, “To try to focus on—and bond over—something positive, we’ve been taking turns saying something we’re grateful for over breakfast.” More often than not, her 2-year-old announces that she’s grateful for the bib she’s wearing. “One time she said she was grateful for her Papa, though!”

While you’re getting used to a new routine, Dixon suggests checking in once a week and adjusting if necessary. Dr. Alex Melkumian, a relationship therapist and founder of the Financial Psychology Center, agrees. “Have your family think of this as a team effort so it’ll encourage buy-in from them.”

2. Make Your Walks Meaningful

Especially in a “socially distanced” world where there isn’t much to do other than going for a walk, this sounds about as mundane as it gets, right?

For Leisa Peterson, author of soon-to-be published book The Mindful Millionaire, this seemingly simple activity helps her to engage in really good conversations and learn new things about her family.

“I have a teenager, which means conversation, when it happens, is priceless. It allows us to ask each other questions about how what’s happening in the world could affect our lives and our future,” she says. “My son is incredibly insightful and I always learn new things when he is talking.”

Walking or hiking in nature also helps her family get some much-needed exercise. “I think that spending time with my family is my greatest joy in life—there is nothing like being able to connect deeply with my family through communication and being in nature together,” Peterson says.

For younger kids, too, getting outside can make a big behavioral difference. “My toddler might be throwing a tantrum at home, but once we get her outside, she tends to absorb what’s around her and become a different person,” says Kade.

3. Rent a Movie (Then Talk About It)

After discovering that my family watches three different shows on three different screens, I made it a point to watch a movie together. We each take turns picking one we like and we all talk about it.

Couples counselor Adam H. Kol, J.D. says that spending  a few dollars to rent a movie (which you can do through plenty of online services like Amazon) can actually be a great use of funds because it can facilitate meaningful discussion.

He suggests movies that help you relive your childhood memories, which will encourage you to share some of these stories with your children. Or, really, any movie where you kids will be able to recall details and be able to articulate their opinion afterwards.

“A mundane activity such as this means you’re carving out intentional time where you minimize the use of cell phones or other distractions,” he says. “It means setting aside jobs or other commitments to simply be together.”

4. Transform Chores Into Activities

OK, let’s be real: When life is busy, it’s not always possible to carve out special time. But attempting to relish the moment with your kids doesn’t have to mean special field trips, especially if you can make your chores feel more meaningful.

It can feel anxiety inducing to have your kids, especially little ones, do chores. How long does it really take to put building blocks away?

But Joel Larsgaard, host of the How To Money podcast and father of two young kids himself, takes chores as an opportunity. That means embracing the craziness, and accepting that the house will get messy and it’ll take longer to complete certain tasks.

“It’s a blast to have our kids cook with us, but only if we go into it knowing that we’ll have a far bigger mess on our hands when all is said and done,” he says. “The goal isn’t efficiency. It’s to enjoy time together, and to help them learn some important skills.”

Laarsgard also suggests resisting the temptation to use your phone during these times. Especially if you find yourself stuck in the house together, try to forget about the additional time it’ll take to cook or put away laundry or do the dishes—and attempt to make these things feel less like chores in the first place.

5. Introduce Kids To Your Favorite Hobbies

Constantly trying to come up with activities to keep our kids engaged is all well and good, but it can be exhausting. Especially if you’ve internalized the pressure to make every activity educational, and if you have a life of your own and things you need to get done.

Emily Guy Birken, author of End Financial Stress Now, suggests finding ways to incorporate your hobbies into the activities you do with your kids, so you can get something out of the experience, too.

“My husband is an automotive engineer, and he will have the kids help him with any car repairs he is doing,” she says. “He’s also got an old lawnmower engine that he kept specifically so he and the kids could take it apart.”

Birken, meanwhile, asks her kids to help her with her current cross stitch project. She has also passed on her love of reading by sharing her favorite comic books from when she was a child. “Sharing the things you love is a wonderful way to enjoy time together,” she says, and it enables you to take some time and energy for yourself, too.

6. Sometimes Money Can Buy Quality Time

Think about whether any given purchase, whether it’s a board game or paying extra for a convenience that saves you time, is worthwhile if it means more quality time with those you love.

Dr. Melkumian suggests that if your kids are old enough to talk about budgeting, this could be a great opportunity to teach them about financial concepts like weighing the costs and benefits of a purchase.

The key, really, is that you don’t need to do anything grandiose to show someone you care, or to make the most of your family life. It’s what you do with your time that will make it special, even (or especially) those seemingly mundane minutes.

Filed Under: media, Uncategorized Tagged With: financial management, financial psychology, financial psychotherapy, financial wellness, money relationship

May 14, 2020 By Jacqueline DeMarco, for Northwestern Mutual

What Is Financial Anxiety, and How Do You Cope With It?

(Northwestern Mutual) – The coronavirus pandemic has been full of uncertainties, with financial security chief among them. Nearly everyone — not just those who’ve lost a job or had their income reduced — is feeling worried and concerned. So what is financial anxiety?

“Financial anxiety is a feeling of distress around money when you have the necessary resources,” says Alex Melkumian, a licensed therapist who specializes in financial psychotherapy. “You’re unable to stop worrying and you lose sleep over financially related issues.” It’s a lot to cope with, but there are ways to combat it. Read on for expert advice and strategies.

WHO IS AFFECTED BY FINANCIAL ANXIETY?

People struggle with financial anxiety for a variety of reasons. Some are simply more prone to worrying about their finances. For others, financial anxiety can stem from growing up in a household where their parents worried about money, which may mean they are likely to repeat and re-create a similar home environment.

As the trajectory of the pandemic remains unknown, lack of control is a major source of anxiety, says Heather Lyons, a licensed psychologist and owner of the Baltimore Therapy Group. “We can bring down levels of anxiety by realizing areas where we do have control,” she says. “It’s important to realize that we can take action. We can’t wake up from this nightmare with the snap of our fingers and we can’t fix it all by ourselves, but we certainly aren’t helpless.”

IF YOU’RE CONCERNED ABOUT POTENTIAL FINANCIAL HARDSHIPS

Between rising unemployment rates and a fluctuating stock market, it’s understandable to be concerned about what your future financial picture might look like. “My suggestion would be to stay in the moment and deal with it as it comes, and that is the hardest part of dealing with financial anxiety,” Melkumian says. “Anxiety in general is worrying about future outcomes, so when [we do this], we’re not in the present and we miss out on what actually needs to be done.”

To adopt a more present mindset, Melkumian encourages his patients to address their anxiety head-on. “When we don’t have containment for our emotions, such as anxiety, stress, fear, worry and sadness, they tend to overtake our mental health and our perspective,” he says. “Then, all of a sudden that person is stressed, anxious or sad — and then they have the unfortunate propensity to become clinically anxious and depressed.”

By giving yourself a dedicated — but limited — time to experience these emotions, you can then try to focus on not worrying for the rest of the day. Melkumian suggests spending five minutes or even half an hour each day to mull over and acknowledge your financial concerns, which can help you avoid ruminating obsessively. “The whole point is to stay balanced and aware,” he says. “You acknowledge, but don’t wallow.”

Allow yourself to recognize your feelings of frustration, anger or sadness instead of pushing them away. “This is an objectively difficult time,” Lyons says. “We need to allow ourselves to grieve our old lives.” She also suggests picking up a mindfulness practice like focused breathing.

IF YOU’VE ALREADY EXPERIENCED A FINANCIAL SETBACK

An unfortunate reality of the coronavirus pandemic is that you may have already experienced a major financial loss, such as losing your job or having to cancel a non-refundable event or vacation.

In these situations, Melkumia encourages you to try not to dwell. Instead, focus on reframing the situation. “The more you fight against the idea that things are not going to be as good as they were before, the more anxiety that produces,” he says. “So the sooner you can get accept the here and now, you can then move forward and start taking action steps toward what needs to be done.”

It’s also important to remember that these events can be more than just financial setbacks; they can be social and emotional ones as well. Lyons says it’s important to think of a cancelled milestone, like a wedding, as a loss and to grieve it accordingly. “People spend months, if not years, planning weddings, and the budget often reflects the magnitude of the event in a couple’s lives,” she says. “Couples might begin to cope with this by first acknowledging how unfair it is and identifying all that they were looking forward to that they’ll miss out on. It’s OK to feel sad and even angry about this loss.” It can also be helpful to think about next steps, such as getting married legally and celebrating later.

IF YOU’RE FEELING ANXIOUS IN GENERAL

You may be experiencing anxiety for other reasons right now, such as not being able to visit elderly parents or struggling to be productive while working from home. Creating some predictability, such as building a schedule (even a loose one), can help. This can be as simple as waking up at the same time, taking regular breaks and planning meals. Add in virtual happy hours or dance parties to remind yourself of all there is to look forward to.

And if you’ve been seeing a therapist, don’t let social distancing stop you from having sessions. “Research suggests that teletherapy is just as effective as in-person therapy for many concerns,” Lyons says.

It’s important to be patient during the transition to online therapy. There will be technical difficulties, and minimizing distractions might require you to get creative. For example, if there’s not a quiet place in your house, consider attending therapy in your car. “I’ve been seeing clients online, and I’ve been amazed at how similar these sessions feel to the real thing,” Lyons says.

Filed Under: media, Uncategorized Tagged With: financial management, financial psychology, financial psychotherapy, financial wellness, money relationship

February 18, 2020 By Anna Bahney

These apps are changing the way we talk about money

(CNN) – People still don’t like to talk about money, especially their own.

“We aren’t over the money taboo yet,” said Majd Maksad, co-founder of Status Money, a personal finance site that allows users to anonymously compare their finances with that of their peers. “We’re not at the point where people are going to sit with colleagues and friends to talk about how much they make, how much they owe and their credit score.”

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Tech leaders on changing how we talk about money 03:15

But increasingly payment apps like Venmo and sites like Status Money are getting people to share that kind of information. And it may not be a bad thing.

Knowing what your peers actually spend and save — and not just drawing your own conclusions based on the fabulous vacations they post pictures of on social media — changes how you spend and save.

“Virtually everyone reacts to seeing what their peers are spending,” said Francesco D’Acunto, assistant professor at Boston College’s Carroll School of Management, “and everyone tries to move to their peers’ level.”

D’Acunto co-authored a study that examined the impact of exposing people to the spending information of their peers. While people who saw that they spent less than their peers started spending slightly more, the people who saw that they overspent cut their spending by three times as much as those who increased their spending, according to the study.

“It is the opposite of Keeping up with the Joneses” D’Acunto said. “This type of intervention has a sobering effect. It happens for people at all income levels and those with high levels of education, people who should know better.”

Helping to break the silence

Any conversation about money is better than not talking about it all, said Dr. Alex Melkumian, a financial therapist in Los Angeles, even if it is just a making a silly joke about “buying back my dignity” or posting a wine glass emoji on Venmo to show that you just repaid your friend for drinks the other night.

“Money is a bigger taboo than sex,” he said. “We have an emotional attachment to money and there is guilt and shame about not being able to talk about it.”

At his practice, which assists people in making behavioral changes regarding the way they relate to and use money, he asks clients to bring in something deeply personal, that perhaps no one else has ever seen: bank statements.

“It is amazing how much you can know about a person and how intimate that feels when you’re reviewing their bank statement with them,” he said. Patterns emerge and there is some relief that they are no longer suffering in silence, he said.

“We can talk about anxiety or poor behavior choices,” he said, “but unless we look at the numbers and see where the money is going, we can’t explore the emotional attachment to it.”

A platform like Venmo, which allows people to directly pay one another often with an emoji-filled description that can be seen publicly, also helps make personal spending patterns more open, Dr. Melkumian said.

“What’s interesting to me is that they could have set it to private,” he said, noting the app has a setting that keeps transactions from being publicly disclosed. “Instead, they chose to put it out there.”

But even if they want to share, they aren’t being totally transparent.

“It is all coded with funny emojis or inside jokes between people,” he said. “Ultimately what they are communicating is that they still aren’t comfortable talking about money.”

How do you compare?

While the conspicuous consumption of those around us can be fairly evident — the neighbor’s fancy new car, for example — we often don’t know the full picture of our peers’ finances, like how much they earn, what they spend on groceries or their debt load.

But Status Money gives you some visibility into those unknowns. The app shows users’ finances, including their debt, savings and spending on things like housing and entertainment, side by side with those of average Americans, as well as those of people who share their age, income level, location, home ownership status and credit score.

In some cases, the comparisons help users know whether they are even in the ballpark of appropriate spending and saving levels and can even influence them to change harmful behaviors or patterns.

“There is a pent up curiosity about ‘How am I doing compared with other people?’,” said Maksad. “There is a little fear. A little competition. A little encouragement to do better.”

A social network on the site places users in a feed with people in their peer group and allows them to anonymously discuss and crowdsource their money questions, troubles and solutions.

“Being able to share this with other individuals and a community, without having to publicly divulge your identity, allows people to get the benefit of talking about money without enduring the personal psychological cost,” said Maksad.

But to get the most out of Status Money, users will need to provide a good deal of personal information — date of birth, annual income, whether they rent or own a home, an address and the last four digits of their Social Security number if they wish to link to a credit bureau report that provides score-related information. The app also asks users to link their bank accounts, credit card accounts and taxable and non-taxable accounts.

The anonymity that Status Money offers makes the social network for finance more feasible, said Maksad. “The social feed works because it is about preserving this privacy. People don’t talk about money on Facebook or post about it on Instagram. This is purpose built for talking about your own finances.”

Filed Under: media, Uncategorized Tagged With: financial management, financial psychology, financial psychotherapy, financial wellness, money relationship

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